I'm not very good at analyzing poetry, but the parts I understand in your poem are really beautiful!

Has some real potential. A little bit jagged at times, but when you're trying to get so many ideas into such a precise form, things can get jagged. Really impressed that you're going for this kind of classicism. Kind of reminds me of John Donne! thanks,
-uncle showie

i really like the last 2 lines of this.
good work